Conflict Resolution Strategies: 5 Styles, 7 Steps and Real Examples

What are conflict resolution strategies?

Conflict resolution strategies are the methods people use to get from 'we disagree' to 'we've decided'. Some are styles, habits of how you tend to respond when you clash with someone. Others are processes, step-by-step ways to work a disagreement through. The best results come from knowing your default style and then using a process that keeps it from running the show.

One caution before you start: not every conflict should be 'resolved'. The Gottman Institute prefers the word 'manage' for couples, because many recurring disagreements come from lasting differences in personality and needs. For those, the goal is an ongoing, respectful conversation, not a final verdict.

The 5 conflict resolution styles

The Thomas-Kilmann Conflict Mode Instrument, introduced by Kenneth Thomas and Ralph Kilmann in 1974, sorts responses to conflict along two dimensions: how assertive you are about your own concerns and how cooperative you are about the other person's. That produces five styles. Each fits some situations and backfires in others.

Competing (assertive, uncooperative)

Pushing for your outcome. Useful in an emergency or when something non-negotiable is at stake; corrosive as a habit in a relationship.

Avoiding (unassertive, uncooperative)

Sidestepping the issue. Fine for trivia or to buy time to cool down; harmful when important hurts go unspoken and turn into resentment.

Accommodating (unassertive, cooperative)

Giving the other person what they want. Generous when the issue matters far more to them; draining if it is always the same person giving in.

Compromising (middle on both)

Splitting the difference. Quick and often fair for divisible things like time or money; unsatisfying when neither half meets anyone's real need.

Collaborating (assertive, cooperative)

Working together toward an option that fully meets both sides' needs. Slowest, and the best choice when the relationship and the outcome both matter.

What it sounds like

7 conflict resolution steps

This process borrows from principled negotiation, the method Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce Patton described in Getting to Yes, and from couples research. It works for a fight about chores as well as a dispute over a shared budget at work.

1. Cool down first

If either person is too upset to listen, pause and set a time to return. Nothing below works while someone is flooded. See emotional flooding.

2. Define one problem together

Agree on the specific question: 'How do we split the evening chores?' not 'Why are you so lazy?' One problem per conversation.

3. Each side states interests, not positions

A position is a demand ('the party must be at our house'); an interest is the need behind it ('I'm worried about the cost'). Use I statements.

4. Summarize each other

Before proposing anything, each person restates the other's interests until they agree it's right. That is active listening, and it prevents solving the wrong problem.

5. Brainstorm options

List several possible solutions without judging them yet. The first idea is rarely the best one.

6. Choose using fair criteria

Decide by standards you both accept (cost, time, what's been fair before, an outside reference) instead of by who pushes hardest.

7. Make it concrete and check back

Who does what, by when. Agree on a date to review how it's working, and adjust without treating a change as failure.

Conflict resolution skills that make the steps work

The steps are the skeleton. These skills are the muscle, and they can be practiced:

• Listening to understand, not to reply.
• Describing behavior instead of judging character, so the other person isn't busy defending themselves.
• Regulating your own emotions, including taking a break before you say something you can't take back.
• Spotting bad reasoning in yourself and others, such as a straw man or a false dilemma that hides other options.
• Apologizing well when you contributed to the problem. See how to apologize.
• Accepting a 'no' on some things, and knowing which disagreements you can live with.

When a strategy isn't working

If you keep reaching agreements that don't hold, you've probably skipped step 3. Couples researchers John and Julie Gottman note that partners often rush to persuade or compromise before understanding why the issue matters to the other person, and the same conversation returns a few weeks later. Slowing down to understand interests is what makes the deal stick.

If one person won't engage at all, you can still use the parts within your control: state your interests clearly, propose options, and set your own boundaries. And if you genuinely can't tell whose position holds up better, an outside view helps. A mediator, a manager or a therapist can play that role; for everyday disagreements, writing out both sides in our free argument judge gives you a neutral first read.

Conflict resolution strategies assume both people are safe and acting in good faith. Where there are threats, intimidation or fear, the priority is safety and outside support, not negotiation.

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