Defensiveness in Relationships: What It Sounds Like and the Antidote
Also called: being defensive, defensiveness
Updated · 5 min read · 4 sources
The short answer
Defensiveness in relationships means protecting yourself from a complaint with excuses, counter-complaints or wounded innocence instead of hearing it. It is one of John Gottman's Four Horsemen, and nearly everyone does it. The antidote is to accept responsibility for at least part of the problem, which lets the conversation move forward.
What is defensiveness in relationships?
Defensiveness in relationships is the reflex to protect yourself when your partner raises a problem. The Gottman Institute defines it as self-protection in the form of righteous indignation or innocent victimhood, in an attempt to ward off a perceived attack. It is the third of the Four Horsemen, and it usually shows up as a reply to criticism.
The Gottman Institute is blunt about how common it is: everyone has been defensive, and it is almost always present when a relationship is struggling. So the goal is not to never feel defensive. It is to notice the reflex and choose a different reply.
What defensiveness sounds like
Defensiveness wears several costumes. All of them avoid saying "you have a point."
- The excuse
- "I was slammed at work today, you know that." True, maybe, but offered instead of an acknowledgment.
- The counter-complaint
- "Well, you never put the car seat back either." Answering a complaint with a different complaint.
- "Yes, but"
- Agreeing for half a second, then canceling it.
- Innocent victim
- "Nothing I do is ever good enough for you." The complaint becomes proof of how hard done by you are.
- Righteous indignation
- "I can't believe you'd even bring that up after the week I've had."
- "I was only trying to help"
- Defending your intentions so the effect never gets discussed.
What it sounds like
Why defensiveness backfires
Defensiveness feels like self-defense, but the Gottman Institute points out that it rarely works. The excuse tells your partner you are not taking their concern seriously, so they push harder, which feels like more attack, which makes you more defensive. The problem itself never gets addressed, and the conflict escalates.
It also carries a hidden accusation. Every defensive reply says, in effect, "the problem isn't me, it's you." That is why it can slide into blame shifting and pave the way for contempt. In Gottman and Levenson's study of 73 married couples, the couples whose interactions were more negative also showed greater defensiveness and a higher risk of separating.
Explaining yourself without being defensive
You are allowed to give context. The difference is order. A defensive reply leads with the explanation and never gets to the acknowledgment. A non-defensive reply leads with what is true in the complaint and adds context afterwards, if it still seems needed.
Defensive: "I didn't call your parents because I was too busy. Why didn't you just do it?" Non-defensive: "You're right, I forgot to call them. My day got away from me. I'll call right now." The facts are the same. Only the second one ends the argument.
The antidote: take responsibility
The Gottman Institute's antidote to defensiveness is to accept responsibility, even if only for part of the conflict. You do not have to agree with everything your partner says. You only have to find the piece you can own and say it plainly.
Helpful phrases: "That's fair." "You're right about that part." "I can see why that bothered you." "Tell me more." Then stop talking for a moment. A short acknowledgment followed by a question often turns a fight into a conversation.
Making it easier for your partner not to be defensive
Defensiveness is a two-person pattern. The way a complaint is raised strongly affects the reply it gets. A harsh opening ("you never...", "why can't you just...") almost guarantees a defensive answer. A gentle start-up that names a feeling, a specific situation and a need gives your partner something they can agree with. Our guide to I statements shows how to build one. And if you are both too heated to hear anything, take a break first: defensiveness spikes when people are flooded.
What to say
You're right, I didn't do it. Let me fix that first, and then I'll tell you what happened.
Part of that I don't see the same way, but you're right that I was late again. That part's on me.
I'm not saying you're a bad partner. I'm just asking about the call tonight.
That's fair. Tell me more about how it felt on your end.
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Questions people ask
What does defensiveness look like in a relationship?
Excuses, counter-complaints, "yes, but", playing the innocent victim, righteous indignation, and defending your intentions instead of hearing the concern.
What is the antidote to defensiveness?
Taking responsibility, even for a small part of the problem. The Gottman Institute recommends acknowledging what is true in the complaint before anything else.
Why do I get so defensive when my partner criticizes me?
Criticism can feel like a threat to how you see yourself, and the instinct is to protect that. It is more likely when the complaint is harsh or when you are already flooded, so a calmer start and a break both help.
Is explaining myself always defensive?
No. Context is fine after you have acknowledged the problem. Explanations become defensive when they replace the acknowledgment.
Sources
Keep reading
- GuidesThe Gottman Four HorsemenThe Gottman Four Horsemen are four ways of fighting that John Gottman's research links to relationships falling apart: criticism, contempt, defensiveness and stonewalling. Each has an antidote: a gentle start-up, a culture of appreciation, taking responsibility, and a real break to calm down. How you fight matters more than whether you fight.
- GuidesBlame ShiftingBlame shifting is moving responsibility for your own action onto someone else, so the conversation becomes about their fault instead of yours: "I only yelled because you provoked me." Everyone does it occasionally when they feel attacked. As a habit, blame shifting keeps problems unsolved and can slide into manipulation.
- GuidesContempt in RelationshipsContempt in relationships is treating your partner as beneath you: mockery, sneering, name-calling, eye-rolling, sarcasm meant to wound. The Gottman Institute calls it the single greatest predictor of divorce among the Four Horsemen. It grows from long-held resentment, and the antidote is to state your needs directly and rebuild appreciation.
- GuidesI StatementsI statements are sentences that describe your own feelings and needs instead of judging the other person, for example 'I feel overwhelmed when the dishes pile up, and I need a hand tonight' instead of 'You never help.' They raise a problem without putting the listener on trial, so it can be solved.
- GuidesHow to Apologize SincerelyTo apologize well, name exactly what you did, take responsibility without excuses, acknowledge how it affected the other person, say what you will do differently, and offer to make it right. Research on apologies finds that taking responsibility and offering repair matter most, while asking to be forgiven matters least.
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