Contempt in Relationships: Signs, Examples and the Antidote

What is contempt in relationships?

Contempt in relationships is communication that says "I'm better than you." Where criticism attacks what your partner did or who they are, contempt adds disgust and superiority, often moral superiority. The Gottman Institute lists its forms: sarcasm, cynicism, name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor.

It is the second of John Gottman's Four Horsemen, and the one the Gottman Institute treats as the most destructive. Contempt makes problem-solving almost impossible, because nobody negotiates well with someone who is visibly disgusted by them.

Signs of contempt

Contempt is often in the delivery more than the words. Watch for:

• Eye-rolling, scoffing or a sneer while the other person is talking.
• Mocking imitation of their voice or words.
• Sarcasm designed to sting: "Wow, you remembered. Should I alert the press?"
• Name-calling: lazy, pathetic, useless, stupid.
• Hostile humor at their expense, especially in front of others.
• Correcting their grammar or facts mid-argument to show who is smarter.
• Talking about them to friends or family with disgust rather than frustration.

What it sounds like

Why contempt is so damaging

The Gottman Institute describes contempt as the number one predictor of divorce found in John Gottman's research. It attacks a person's sense of self rather than any behavior they could change, so there is nothing for them to fix except, apparently, being who they are. That leaves two options: fight back or withdraw, which is why contempt so often leads to stonewalling.

The damage is not only emotional. The Gottman Institute reports that its research found couples who are contemptuous of each other more likely to suffer from infectious illnesses such as colds and flu than couples who are not.

Where contempt comes from

Contempt rarely appears out of nowhere. The Gottman Institute says it is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about a partner. Complaints that were never voiced, or voiced and ignored, harden into a story: "he's lazy", "she's selfish". Once that story is in place, every new incident becomes evidence, and the tone shifts from frustration to disdain.

That is why criticism matters so much. When complaints are regularly expressed as attacks on character, both people start keeping score, and contempt is the next step.

Contempt, anger and teasing

Anger is not contempt. You can be furious and still treat your partner as an equal: "I'm really angry that you didn't tell me about the loan." Contempt is the added message that they are lesser.

Teasing is not automatically contempt either. Affectionate teasing that both people enjoy, and that stops when one person says it stings, is part of many happy relationships. The line is crossed when the joke is aimed at a sore spot, used to win an argument, or delivered with a sneer.

When contempt becomes emotional abuse

Occasional contemptuous moments are a serious warning sign but not, on their own, abuse. Constant belittling, humiliation in front of others, and put-downs that come with control over money, friends or decisions are something else. The National Domestic Violence Hotline defines relationship abuse as a pattern of behavior one partner uses to keep power and control over the other, and that pattern can be emotional as well as physical. If you recognize that pattern, you deserve support from someone outside the relationship.

The antidote to contempt

The Gottman Institute describes two antidotes. In the moment, describe your own feelings and needs instead of judging your partner: "It's really important to me that we're on time. Can you help me with that?" rather than "I learned to tell time when I was five. When will you?" I statements are built for exactly this.

Over the long term, build a culture of fondness and admiration: small, regular expressions of thanks, affection and respect. The Gottman motto is "small things often." The more positive moments a relationship has, the less room contempt has to grow.

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